I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
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I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years