I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
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Europe. Made in Germany.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan