“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
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Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences