*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
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I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
waiting for halloween be like:
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?