My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
You Might Also Like
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?