Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
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“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Banking tips
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.