I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
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Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Otters see a butterfly.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
watergate? u mean a dam??
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.