me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
You Might Also Like
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
My spirit animal is fried chicken
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”