Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
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I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
How to draw a duck
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.