Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
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Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
a lot to unpack here
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*