account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
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Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Remember folks 😂
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.