Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
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Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
They’re on their honeymoon
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.