*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
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Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Who’s your best friend?
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”