Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
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The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
A great tip. #CakeRex
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?