Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
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Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
That’s not how days work.