*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
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[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands