me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
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Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed