Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
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I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand