My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
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My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.