Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
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I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Whoa 😂
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas