If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
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I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.