Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
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It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.