With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
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Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER