Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
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Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
how much for the angry fruit?
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Lol
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.