My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
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When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.