Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
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Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R