Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
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Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
The little toadstool has spoken.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!