I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
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ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
the only bumper sticker ill allow
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Steam Forums
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.