Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
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Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Oh deer
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?