[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
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“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed