If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
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People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Duolingo getting serious.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.