You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
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The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
dutch is not a serious language
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”