I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
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Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
everyone’s a critic