Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
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On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?