friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
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I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.