Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
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guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
We’ve all been there
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!