My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
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Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
and now we wait
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
what it’s like dating me:
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Ugh but profoundly
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.