[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
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mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Where is your GOD now????
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”