My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
You Might Also Like
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants