I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
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My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Life with a cat in one tweet
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually