Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
You Might Also Like
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Don’t talk down to me
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”