I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
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Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
found this cool rock hiking today
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay