*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
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[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
house sitting!
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit