Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
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You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
🤣✨#caturday
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%