Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
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If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG