If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
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God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”