I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
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My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
🤣🤣💀
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.