rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
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“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Follow me for more life hacks.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Bond. Trauma bond.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably