It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
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Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Every time my phone rings
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Bloody internet 😳
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.