ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
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Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?